embracing the absent
Not being able to deny neither the frightening necessity nor the fact that there is no escape to anguish, I was forced to persist in the state of petrification and to experience what the total incapacity to move means: You are buried in your body.
While experiencing death, the total absence of the vital flow, the preciousness of life that seemed lost pervaded me. In the awareness of its preciousness, the vitality absorbed by the petrifying power of anguish resumed flowing in the warmth of a deep sadness.
In sadness, vitality regained the semblance of life and I recognised the strength of the inseparable togetherness of anguish and power, to simulate life and death, to define being and not being and to judge whether a being has or does not have the right to exist and to persist.
Experiencing the power of anguish to create realities and to deny existences I experienced also the vulnerability of being whose existence depends on the benevolent judgement of power, of the anguish that fears dying.
From this clarity the sober certainty:
If you want to live while you are alive it is unavoidable to leave the rigidity in which you protect yourself from the death threatened by the power which obeys the anguish it is and must protect.
To abandon the rigidity of obedience means doubting the threats and disobeying the wills of power.
By doubting and disobeying you step into the lethal sphere of power which feels dying as soon as it encounters a being that does not confirm and sustain its existence by believing its truths and obeying its will.
The sobriety of certainty manifested:
Not anguish made you rigid, but the vital instinct interrupted the flow of action, because it knows of the lethal danger you run by following the necessity perceived in the unease and sadness experienced while feeling fulfilled and happy.
By interrupting the action, life itself protects the life you are by preventing you from taking a step that would jeopardise not only your material existence, but also the physical and mental health of your being.
Being unable to deny neither the preciousness of life nor the vulnerability of being, I realised: The flow of action will only be freed by the certainty of acting in the tenderness of the respect for life. This certainty will be given by pondering the risks, in order to finally act with the awareness that you step into the reality with the least risk of life.